I’ve been conducting training on manager/employee communication for years. In one class a few weeks ago I heard the same phrase over and over, and realized it holds the key to a breakthrough.

When it comes to thinking about initiating a discussion about a touchy subject, inevitably I hear some version of, “What I don’t want to happen is ________.”

“What I don’t want to happen is…”

  • For the other person to shut down
  • To not have the answers
  • For them to get emotional
  • For them to get mad
  • For me to get mad

There are a few ways you can deal with this.

The Obvious #1: Maneuver to minimize the likelihood your worst fear will be realized.

The Obvious #2: Focus on what you do want to happen.

After my recent class I realized there’s one more possibility. In fact, if you focus on this one it might turn into an entirely different discussion.

A less obvious, but powerful choice: Be open to whatever happens.

I’ve been a manager and coached many managers. Over time we get to the point where we are wary of particular behavior, like the other person becoming emotional, throwing accusations, expressing anger. We get psyched out by what we think will happen. Doing this, we give the other person all the power. Let me rephrase. We buy into the premise that “we are powerless” to their reaction.

To me it feels like I’m being held ransom when I’m overly focused what I don’t want to happen. If you are familiar with that feeling, I want to encourage you to be a leader. It doesn’t matter if you have the title. Empower yourself to face what you don’t want to happen beforehand and do what it takes to handle it if it does happen. This requires you to be in touch with your own baggage, your own projections, and your own ego. It’s tough self-development, but worth it.

Some questions to begin this process:

  • Am I blaming this person for anything? If so, what?
  • Is there anything like anger or resentment that I need to let go before the conversation?
  • If I put my assumptions aside, what am I curious about in this situation that only they can shed light on?

Be the leader no matter what.

Managing our own “stuff” is the high road and the hard road. It requires deeper work than we generally like. I find when I do this self-examination I end up in a much better place to initiate a conversation or realize this is not the time to have it.

This is part of growing as a character-based leader, growing in how you are leading yourself. When you find a place where you don’t feel empowered, there is an opportunity for you.

What will it take to for you to feel empowered enough to handle whatever comes up?

 

Images: Microsoft Clipart

 

Mary C Schaefer
As a coach, trainer and consultant, Mary Schaefer's expertise is in helping managers and employees conquer their dread about difficult conversations, to go into them feeling equipped and confident. Personally and professionally, Mary's mission is to create work cultures where organizations and human beings can both thrive. Mary is a former HR manager, holds a Master's degree in HR and is certified as a Professional in Human Resources (PHR). She is co-author of the book, "The Character-Based Leader." You can follow Mary on Twitter (@MarySchaefer) or join her email list at bit.ly/mary-list
Mary C Schaefer

@MarySchaefer

Speaker/Coach/Trainer/Author, specializing in #EmpoweredManager(s) and #HumansAtWork. Fierce Idealist/Farmer's Daughter
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Mary C Schaefer
Mary C Schaefer