Big Sur

Dusk was settling in fast as I drove along a winding road. Waves crashed on the rocky cliffs below. Why was I driving on the wrong side of the road? I couldn’t control my car and move into the correct lane. With my arms and legs outstretched from the back seat, I tried to grab ahold of the wheel and steer. My feet barely reached the pedals. Further on, I could see my destination, but had no confidence I would reach it in tact.

A lucid moment. What was I doing in the back seat? Poof. I woke up.

My dreams speak to me. When I wake up remembering my dream, there is something I need to learn. My subconscious has a way of reaching up through murky layers of my unconscious self, to grab my attention. The message is usually quite obvious if I don’t over-analyze and just take it at face value.

Now all of you armchair psychologists out there will have an interpretation of my dream. Stop. Let me share with you the message my subconscious whispered to me that night.

There are times and circumstances when I fail to take charge of my situation and I feel out of control, as if I have abdicated responsibility. People who know me would not guess this – for the most part. But I know. I find myself waiting for other people to change; for other people to follow-through on their commitments; for other people to make decisions so I can make mine.

I find myself waiting with arms outstretched to catch the ball/the handoff so that I can move things forward.

Why do I wait for others to hold up their end of the bargain so I can move forward? What stops me from cutting my losses and moving on or taking action on my own behalf? What am I doing in the back seat of my life?

Driving from the Back Seat

Contrast this with clients, colleagues, people on my team and service providers, I see right along side of me as we pass the ball back and forth, all the while moving the ball down field towards the goal. It’s an amazing experience to have this kind of traction with clients and colleagues.

These are the kinds of relationships I need to put energy into and nurture. These are the folks that deserve my time, energy and attention.

After that dream, I realized I had to jump into that front seat and take more control of my destiny.

First, I had to understand my participation in this dynamic. Why did I allow this?

What beliefs did I hold about myself and others that needed some reexamination? Do any of these sound familiar?

  • I believe people should follow-up and follow-through on their commitments.
  • I don’t think I should have to babysit.
  • I don’t want to have to have the difficult conversations.
  • These are paid professionals, these are collaborators on projects, clients, colleagues … They shouldn’t need me to hold them accountable.
  • If I just give them one more chance …
  • I know they have (fill in the blank) going on, so I just need to be patient and understanding …
  • If I gently encourage …
  • If I wait just a little longer …

To call someone to account is tough. I am afraid I’ll come off pushy, critical, unfair, demanding …

I find that I don’t want to deal with excuses. I don’t want to deal with attacks. When people aren’t willing to look in the mirror—they tend to blame.

I don’t want to risk losing the relationship. I have already invested time and money and don’t want to start over (could mean I have to source and hire a new person and take a loss on the time and money I invested ).

Have you heard yourself say or think these things?

A wise person once told me, “Don’t throw good money after bad.”

My subconscious told me that it was time to get in the front seat and drive. What did that mean in practice? I had to hold myself to account and do some letting go.

I had to take some difficult conversations; truncate collaborative partnerships that took time and energy and did not produce the desired results; let go of some service providers and take a financial hit; end relationships that ate up time, energy, caused grief and didn’t add.

I had to climb into that drivers’ seat I had been avoiding and take action. I had to make tough decisions and steer myself to my destination rather than attaching my destiny to someone else’s wagon.

Thank you, subconscious for alerting me to a self-defeating pattern. One step at a time, I am developing patterns that better serve me and others.

Are you in the drivers’ seat of your life? Please share your experiences. We will all benefit.

Wendy Appel
Born to be an adventurer and explorer. Lover of all creatures great and small. Followed her heart and now lives on an island in the Mediterranean. Accidental author. Passionate about the human journey to wholeness--change and transformation. For pleasure, Wendy coaches executives and teams, leads workshops and retreats, speaks at conferences, and acts as a thought provoker and thought partner. Find Wendy on Twitter, Facebook, and her website..
Wendy Appel

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